I Remember Getting Into Trouble With My Parents On This Occasion:

The most trouble I was ever in during my teenage years was one night when I didn’t come home. I had gone driving with some friends of mine – Dick Steed was one of them – and after we had driven to the Lower Valley, we were caught in a blizzard. We made our way to Alpine and stayed at the Alpine Lodge that night because the roads were so bad. This was in the days before cell phones and, though there may have been a pay phone around somewhere, I didn’t look for one and so didn’t try to call my parents. Many times when I had been out late, my parents had not missed me, but unfortunately for me, this was not one of those times. The next morning, my friends drove me to school and I would have just gone on with my life, but since my father had missed me during the night, he called the school. When they reported to him that I had shown up for class, he came up to get me and take me home. Man, was I ever in trouble. If I had had an abusive father, he probably would have beaten me black and blue. As it was, he just yelled at me and made me feel ashamed of myself. How could I have been so thoughtless? But this was during my black sheep phase (when I was sixteen) and I didn’t much care anymore whether my parents approved of me or not. They always suspected me of being a lot worse than I ever was. Even as bad as I was, I rarely missed church and never did take up smoking, drinking or drugs. I just wanted to be liked and to hang out with my friends, who were people that my parents didn’t like. I got it together again about the time I turned seventeen. I went on a European concert tour with an All-American Band and Chorus the summer after my senior year and then managed to get accepted to BYU. That made them feel more like good parents and made them think I was going to turn out okay. The jury is still out on whether I turned out okay. :)

Therapy

During some of the therapy I did a few years ago, I wrote the following letter to my dad.

"Dear Dad,

"I think the greatest thing you ever gave me was your love for music. Everyone knew how talented you were at playing the guitar and how beautiful and powerful your tenor voice was. I do wish you and I could have agreed on what kind of music was "of the Devil." We never were on the same page about that. But at least I was exposed to enough different kinds of music in my childhood that I learned which kind spoke to my own soul.

"Thank you also for all the opportunities for education that you gave me. Even with such a large family, you put eight of your nine children through college, including me.

"I regret that your job took you away from home so much of the time. I would have liked your calming influence in our home more than it was. I felt safer when you were home. I wish you could have protected me from some bad things that happened to me there.

"I regret that your perfectionism made you focus on what was wrong with me, rather than what was right and good. As hard as I tried to please you, it was never enough. Whether or not you intended me to get this message from you, I learned that if I am not perfect, I am worthless.

"I don't remember having much one on one interaction with you when I was a child. In fact, whenever I did get any attention from you, it made me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. I remember when I was in the second grade and learned that my orthodontist had been killed in a plane crash. I was heartbroken and left the dinner table crying. You sat down with me and tried to console me, but it gave me such a strange feeling that I didn't know what I should say. So I said nothing. After a couple of minutes, you gave up and left me alone. I don't think you had ever sat down with just me before that.

"I wish I could have talked to you. I wish we could have spent time together. I wish you had read to me like you often did to Mom. I wish you had been able to see me in programs and concerts and other school events. I longed to hear you say that I had done a good job and that you were proud of me.

"I wish you had paid more attention to me when I was a child and less attention to me when I was a teenager. I wish you could have trusted me and allowed me to develop my independence during my youth. As it was, I felt handicapped as an adult.

"I wish everything for you hadn't been a question of what God wanted. I wish I had grown up in a world of color, instead of a world of black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. I wish I could have learned who I was, instead of what I should do according to someone else.

"Being a parent myself now, however, I have learned that things are never as simple as they seem to a child. I see that supporting a family requires that you work, and working requires that you spend time away from home and family, even if you would rather be there for your children. I thank you for always supporting me, even though it was at the expense of a relationship with me. I will always love you.

"Kae Loy"

Since this was therapy, this was not a letter I ever sent to my father. It was just something I did to express the things that I was never able to express as a child, so that I could feel more empowered as an adult. I even wrote a letter to him in the role of myself as a child, writing with my left hand, so that my words looked more like a child writing it.

"Dear Dad,

I want you to come home. I want to play games with you. I want to watch you build things with wood. I want to hear you and Mom sing "True Love Goes On and On." It's so pretty and I like the way you smile at each other when you sing, "My darling, I'll always love you." I want you to always love me."

"Little Kae Loy"

So, well, anyway... This is what I wanted to share with my own children about my father and my childhood and why I am who I am. It might also help to explain why all of you need therapy. JK :)