Day 2: The Meaning of My Blog Title

It has taken some perseverance to get this page to even let me write a blog. Whew! I entered my email address, but the page would not accept my password. So I entered my second email address and password, but the page said I did not have a blog. I knew I had a blog, so I went back to the first email address and password. It eventually gave me a window that asked if I had forgotten my password, to which I said yes. Then it said it was sending a temporary password to my email account. When I went to my email account, it said that someone had hacked into my account and I would need to reset my password. Well, no kidding. When I reset my password, it let me into my account, but there were 595 messages in my inbox and downloading them apparently froze the computer. After waiting about 20 minutes, I had to turn the computer off and start again. Then, when I tried to get into my blog page again, it wouldn't accept my new password! WTF! I finally got in by using the old password that it wouldn't accept in the beginning! Why does everything have to be so hard for short people?

Anyway, I wanted to do Day 2 (yes, I am all the way to Day 2) of Allison's blog challenge: What is the meaning of your blog title?

Back in my Life Management days, there was a member of one of the teams who had a book entitled Notes to Myself. The book was filled with a variety of thoughts and sayings that the author personally found worthwhile and inspirational. As I remember it, there was a comprehensive index, but the sayings were not in any particular order of importance or divided into subject or anything. They seemed to be entered at random, perhaps on the day they were thought up or read or heard. I have always liked the idea of doing the same thing: just having a notebook handy so that I could record my thoughts or sayings or quotes that I especially liked or that were of personal value to me. I guess that is what I wanted this blog to become: a place to record my own or others' worthwhile thoughts and ideas. So I entitled my blog "More Notes to Myself."

Here are some of the "notes to myself" that are close at hand tonight, so that I can show you what I mean. They were mostly things that I quickly wrote on post-it notes that have stacked up in my papers drawer.

1. The hardest thing you'll ever learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

2. Geography is destiny.

3. Things don't just work out. They are worked out. (John Sandford in Secret Prey)

4. Most men live lives of quiet desperation. (Henry David Thoreau)

5. My life is my message. (Gandhi)

6. We must be the change we wish to see in the world. (Gandhi)

7. Change isn't just possible; it is necessary.

8. No one knows what a boy is worth.

We have to wait and see.

But every man in a noble place

A boy once used to be.

9. Sound is touch at a distance.

10. Happiness is not just getting what you want. Happiness is getting what you want after you have worked hard for it.

11. (A journalist on interviewing) "If you are present for that person, if you will be their witness, they will bring up what they need to bring up. I let people go where they need to go."

12. (A bumper sticker) "We kill people to show people that it is wrong to kill people."

13. If you never stop achieving, you never have time to appreciate what you have achieved.

14. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. (T.S. Eliot from Four Quarters, Little Gidding, pt. 5)

15. A story is an attempt to repair the world.

16. Thou shalt not operate on the day of a patient's death.

17. (from "Grey's Anatomy") "Easy" is not part of your job description.

18. (and Geoffrey will remember this one from the movie "Identity.")

As I was going up the stair,

I met a man who wasn't there.

He wasn't there again today.

I wish, I wish he'd go away.

Day 1: Post a picture of and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

As you all know, it has been a long time since I posted a blog. Now that Allison and Steve have moved to Alaska, however, I realize how important it is that I communicate more with my family. I am painfully aware today that I am not hanging out with Allison, Steve and the other family members who have regularly congregated at her house, mostly Kjersti, Jay, Kameryn and Reagan, but also quite often Danae, Gary, Isaac and Sophie, as well as Grandma Hanna from time to time. Allison's house has been quite a central place for most of our get-togethers for the last couple of years, mainly because she had such a nice house with such a great yard and because she made us all believe that she sincerely loved having us there. I know that our loss here in Utah is Wesley's and Geoffrey's gain there in Alaska and it is comforting to me to know that her place will now be a central gathering place for the part of the Hanna family who have moved there so far. The master plan, of course, is to eventually get the whole family to move to Kodiak.

Anyway, I am accepting Allison's challenge to write more often and will start, in my own lame way, with 15 things about myself.

1. I love to read. I love all kinds of good books, but especially true stories of extreme courage. My top three favorites of this genre are, in order, Miracle in the Andes by Nando Parrado, Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aron Ralston and The Endurance by Caroline Alexander. I can recommend all three of these books without any reservation. In addition to true stories, I have read some books that have totally shifted paradigms and even my world view. The first one that I read long ago was The Cinderella Complex by Colette Dowling, which made me understand for the first time that my own happiness did not have to depend on a man. My understanding of men was shifted by two books I read: The Masculine Self by Christopher T. Kilmartin and The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. One of the books that shifted my world view was The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, which is self-explanatory. A more recent life-changing book was Never Say Die by Susan Jacoby, which made me see clearly for the first time that "old, old age" is a women's issue. In fiction, I have a weakness for good murder mysteries, which I like not for the violence necessarily, but for the keen intelligence of the people who finally figure out who the "unknown subject" is and who succeed in bringing him or her to justice. I think my favorite murder mystery writer so far is John Sandford.

2. I love to draw and am very proud of the pictures I drew during the time that I had a personal art teacher in 2007 and 2008. I would very much like to get my pictures framed and pass them down to my children, so my children will always remember that their mother had some talent in that area.

3. I love to play the piano and although I was never all that skilled, I loved the songs that I did learn how to play. Moving to a condo deprived me of my piano and now my fingers miss being able to create beautiful music.

4. I am barely 5'1" tall and life is hard for short people. That is all I have to say about that.

5. My two phobias are that "everyone knows but me" and that "there is something really, really wrong with me."

6. I love to run. You wouldn't know it to look at me now, but I have run 5 marathons in my time. I haven't been able to run much for the past several years because of my weight, and probably my age, but I have never quit dreaming of a day when I could get back into running. It totally makes me feel free and alive. I always feel envious of any runner I pass on the road.

7. I love to drive while listening to the radio (i.e., NPR), an audio book or some awesome music. Whoever put all that stuff on my ipod was a genius.

8. I recently remarried my ex-husband, Wes, which makes me his ex ex. I guess that also makes him my ex ex.

9. As of yesterday, I am the new owner of a white Honda Insight, courtesy of Wes. I am thinking of naming her Apricot.

10. One of my favorite places on earth is Bryce Canyon in southern Utah. I love the monument to time that it is. It makes me feel minuscule and irrelevant in comparison to its magnificence. One of my favorite things to do when I am there is to walk along the ridge and pretend I am a person coming up from the green, forested west side and happening onto it for the first time. You can't believe the contrast between the lush, verdant west side of that ridge and the red rock hoodoos carved by millennia of wind and rain on the east side. You must see it.

11. Kurt Bestor is my favorite musician and composer, which is not news to my family. It is a thing of wonder to me that, from some mysterious, amazing place inside himself, he can bring into existence these beautiful creations that, but for him, would never be known. Every year, for example, he writes a new Christmas song that probably did not exist even two weeks before his concert. Somehow, he brings melody, harmony and rhythm forth from his mind and heart, translates it into a language that violins, guitars, and oboes can speak, and delivers it to me like a warm shower of sound that fills my soul. I identify so closely with what he communicates in his music, that I sometimes think he knows me. That is why I say that Kurt Bestor is my boyfriend. He speaks personally to me.

12. I feed the birds out on the patio of my condo and I love watching them come to eat. I also love hearing them sing. I mostly get sparrows and finches, but I am content with them. Three times now, I have seen a hawk come to scatter my birds. It flies by in about two seconds. The hawk has a nest across the street in the tall, old trees surrounding the church.

13. I love any excuse to eat out. My recent trip to Cedar City with Allison, Steve, Kjersti and Chelsee was the perfect getaway, because I had to eat out every meal. Oh, and the Shakespeare plays were good, too!

14. The Harry Potter series is the best hero adventure ever written. I have just finished listening to the whole set of audio books once again, probably for the twentieth time. I listen to Harry Potter every day of my life.

15. I love my husband, my children, my children's spouses and my grandchildren with all my heart. My family is the most important thing in the world to me. When I hear about tsunamis, earthquakes, tornados, floods, snowstorms, etc., I feel such grief and compassion for all the people who have lost family members, and I am so grateful to know that my own children are safe and well. I am so proud of all my children and hope they succeed in their life's goals.

On Thursday afternoon, I was out for my walk on the bench east of Bountiful when a car approached me and slowed down. I thought someone was going to ask for directions and I was hoping I could direct them correctly, since I wasn't too familiar with this particular area yet. When I bent down at the window, a nice-looking guy of about 25 or 30 who wore his hair in a ponytail said, "I am doing a random act of kindness. May I give you a rose?" He handed me a beautiful, dark pink rose and drove away. I think I was so startled that I was barely able to thank him. I don't know if it were his kindness or the fact that I usually feel so invisible, but it touched me so much that I cried the rest of the way home. I have read about people who do random acts of kindness and have always loved the stories, but this time I felt the real power of it.

Second Chances

This is my current distraction.

When I trust myself ....

Remembering 2008

2008 was a year of big changes in my life.

The year was only a few days old when Ryan Bell committed suicide, and the cascading consequences of that incident affected me directly. Because Wes took several days off of work to help with the funeral arrangements, his boss complained about him and to him, which led to a heated disagreement between them, which in turn led to Wes quitting his job. With little or no income, he could not help me with my living expenses, which eventually led to my having to sell my house. I will write more about that in a minute.

One of the things that having a discretionary income brought to my life at the beginning of 2008 was private drawing lessons with the teacher who taught my drawing class during the fall of 2007. I enjoyed my drawing classes and lessons more than I ever imagined I could, and I proved to myself that my talent was exceptional. The pictures I drew at that time still give me great joy and satisfaction. I was telling a friend recently that I haven’t drawn for some months now because I had to give up my art lessons when Wes stopped helping me financially. He was quick to point out the inconsistency of my reasoning. He said I didn’t need art lessons in order to draw. I only needed a pencil and some paper – or some chalk and a sidewalk, or some charcoal and a wall. When he made that statement, it was as though I woke up, and I could immediately see the truth of it. How many times do I blind and limit myself when the resources I need are right there inside of me?

Allison had been working hard and pushing to a crescendo that came in March, when we all found out that she would be coming back to Utah for her residency, and would be working at the Utah Valley Hospital. Her crowning achievement came in May, when she graduated from Touro University Medical School. The whole family, except Wesley, traveled to Nevada to see the grand “pomp and circumstance” as she accepted her diploma. In Allison’s words, it was the most important thing she had ever done up to that point in her life. We were all overjoyed for her and extremely proud of her. I feel personally blessed to have her living so close to our family again now.

At the end of May, I was laid off from my job, after working there for over seven years. It wasn’t too much of a shock, because I knew my company had not been doing well for quite a long time. I had already been preparing to put my house up for sale, but losing my job made the decision final. My house went on the market at the beginning of June.

Geoffrey was a great co-worker to have at home during the months that I was showing the house. Before long, we had a routine worked out so that we could have the house looking perfect and ready for any showing within a few minutes, if that were necessary. We also had a lot of fun every time we had to leave the house for showings. Sometimes we would go to see a movie or to get some lunch or dinner, but most of the time we would just drive to one of several parks in the area and listen to Harry Potter books on tape. Geoffrey was such a good sport about it all. He was in charge of cooking a couple of hot pockets before we left and “wafting” the smell throughout the house. It was great fun to watch him do it.

Thanks to Allison, I had tickets to the Shakespearean festival in June and was able to travel to Cedar City with Chelsee, Geoffrey, Allison and Steve to see “The Taming of the Shrew” and “Two Gentlemen of Verona.” Wesley and Elisabeth had come down from Alaska for their vacation and they attended those plays with us, plus some others on their own. We all had a great time, especially since it was at this time that Wesley proposed to Elisabeth and we got it all in pictures. I felt honored to be there to see how happy it made Wesley to give Elisabeth her engagement ring. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Then, thanks to Wesley, Wes and I were able to fly to Alaska in July to attend Wesley’s and Elisabeth’s wedding. We enjoyed the few days before the wedding, seeing the sights in Kodiak and sampling the best seafood I have ever tasted. It was a beautiful wedding and I again felt blessed and honored to be there to see it. For more details about the marriage ceremony and the reception, see my earlier blog entry.

In August, I started a new job at the University Hospital. Sonja gave me a tip about a job that was opening in the unit where she worked – Same Day Surgery – and I applied right away. I was getting discouraged about my job hunt. I had applied for at least one job every day while I was out of work, but had only gone on one other interview up to that point. Most places didn’t even acknowledge that I had sent in an application. The job at the hospital has been perfect for me, and I have enjoyed working there. Some days are pretty stressful, but there are so many things about my job that I like, that I hope to stay there for many more years.

Also in August, Kjersti and Jay gave me a new, little granddaughter. Our sweet little Reagan was born on August 27th at 3:14 pm. She weighed 6 lbs. 13 oz. and was 20.5 inches long. Kjersti was great and made the whole thing look easy. Allison drove up from Provo and got to deliver the baby. Our precious Reagan is a beautiful member of the family, and has a smile that can melt your heart.

On Labor Day, I got an offer on the house. My brother, Ross, had loaned me money to put on a new roof, and that seemed to have made all the difference. Wesley had arrived a few days earlier to stay with me while Elisabeth was doing her basic training for the Coast Guard, and he proved to be invaluable in helping me get everything done that was necessary to turn the offer on the house into a sale. I am so grateful to him and to everyone in my family who first helped me get the house ready to show, who then helped me get the house ready for the sale, who then helped me find my sweet little condo and who then helped me with the move. It was a huge project and would have been too big for me to do alone. I am especially happy that I was able to get the deal closed before the huge economic downturn was in full swing. I know I would have lost my house if I were still having to pay almost $1400 per month for it. I love my new place.

I was very proud of the hard work, determination, perseverance and leadership that Elisabeth showed during her basic training for the Coast Guard. She would have finished first in her unit, if she had not been forced to have her wisdom teeth removed right before her graduation. As it was, she still was honored by her leaders and got the unique opportunity to have her father award her graduation certificate.

I voted for Barach Obama and was so happy to see him win the election. I know he will be a great president. He embodies the change I want for America. I am living in an historic time about which others in times past could only dream.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas, even though they were both quite different from years past. Allison has been very kind to welcome us all into her home for these holidays and for many of our other family celebrations. The one thing that hasn’t changed through all the emotional and physical upheavals of this past year is the love that we have for each other in our family. The love I feel from all of you is precious to me.